Heading Towards Death Poem by Julia Luber

You are here to explain something impossible to explain. Good luck…..
very little in life begins with complete defeat. Yours did, though. Yours
did. Your life did begin with defeat. You came in to the world and death
enveloped your mother. Mystery and Death. Suspicion and Crime. And,
so okay, Fear and Wonder too. You were not the happiest baby, whatsoever.
But you were the most serious. Death surrounded you and you almost died yourself.

You live and this Death March we call LIFE somehow takes over anyway. The Force
of Life Dominates in every Dance With Death. You rose above it and became the
apple of several peoples' eyes- your mothers, your fathers. Your siblings thought
you were okay. You were younger than them so that made them feel older. Children
take to that kind of ranking and heiarchy and what makes them feel like they are
wizer and smarter than somebody. That younger sibling. They like it.

The point is The Force of Life takes over. And for many years The Force of Life took over.
You were on point and on trance. You were marked safe by a very powerful superego. You
were fine. And if there were something there to stop you, you could not feel it; it did not
get under your skin. Its evil power did not take you under. Why should it?

It should not. And yet that honeymoon with life was over when your reflexes got bound
up in somebody else's superego over your own. Don't forget, she did not know the blessing
and the power of the blessing she was coming into. She was not in a state of ignorant ecstasy
yet as the true destiny, favor, and pleasure of her life. Don't forget, she did not have even
a remote inkling about the outrageous advantage and outlandish benefit of her blessing.

She was still, in ways, the same as the rest of you and actually at that time, yes, she felt
it necessary to strategize what would ultimately lead to your suicide which to her, yes, only
represented every opportunity under the sun. She had your personality in her brain, mapped
out like a system: so much so that she cornered you into the one and only thing that would
work to kill you. And it has killed many and yes, it almost- coming within a split second-
killed you. But you survived.

You don't know if that was the right thing, actually. It was never supposed to happen at all
and it represented to you a new way to not feel completely subsumed by its power. The only way you knew out instantaneosly: emotionally and impulsively and intelligently as quickly was suicide. But you survived.

Sometimes people don't. And so you would have died from something that took over your life
for three months or so…..so suddenly. that you did not understand the truly devastating powers of. Nobody can. Nobody knows what the consequences of those medications will be. They're a crapshoot. They work very rarely for some lucky people.

That's not what you turn life into-once you've become part of it. Pure and plain luck to survive a suicide. See….she even ruined what true luck is for for you.

So the question is…..why does she so need your death, your suicide? To return you to
the state you so powerfully overcame as an infant? While you are left not knowing
if it is even going to work this time. She makes it feel like you are heading towards death,
not life….not life at all.