Shiny Sidewalls Poem by Professor Poetry Hound

The concept of justice is pretty important in the Bible,
so I assume there are gradations of punishment in
Hades. Like, if you engaged in relatively minor sins
like cheating on your income taxes, then maybe you’ll
have to endure a series of Indian burns for eternity. Or
like if you were a stalker, then maybe you’ll get
bonked on the head with a cast-iron frying pan every
once in awhile. Now, if you were a murderer, then
you’ll get the full pain treatment – you’ll have to wear
headphones and listen to nonstop commentary from
smarmy televangelists at full volume.

So Hell is kind of like a carwash, where there are
different levels, like you can have a regular wash or
maybe you get the deluxe wash, where they spray
some extra wax goop on your car or do tire treatments
or something. I’ve always thought tire treatments
were kind of ridiculous. I mean, who really cares if
their sidewalls are shiny? And those guys who
vacuum the cars always do such a cursory job. I hope
when they get to Hell the devil gives them a little
poke in their butts with that pointy tail of his