Chuck Audette

Rookie - 59 Points (Poetry Hell, Vermont)

The Cannibal Joke Song - Poem by Chuck Audette

A man gets captured by cannibals
every day they poke him with spears
they use his blood to wash down their food
at the end of the week, he's in tears.

He calls the Chief over and says,
'In this cage I've had time for some thinks
and you best just kill me or eat me,
'cause I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks! '

* * *
Cannibals don't eat divorced women - too bitter
and mother-in-laws - don't agree
and if they dump their girlfriend
they do it behind a tree!

Clowns taste funny and writers cause cramps
Exxon execs give gas
Michael Jackson is the 'other white meat'
and priests are good, served en mass

For a well-balanced meal - try a gymnast
and a thong-wearing woman? So fine!
a cannibal can handily eat one
and floss at the very same time!

Don't boil that priest - he's a Friar!
(you know, cannibals cook with great pride!)
and the classy way to serve nudists
is with dressing on the side.

Billionaires? Yuck! too rich
and their kids are always spoiled
criminals, though, are fun to grill
(make sure that first they've been foiled!)

Taxidermists? too stuffing
But hookers make tasty Whore d'oeuvres
and if a violinist is too stringy
it could be you've struck a nerve

Sailors are too salty
Sprinters just give them the runs
when cannibals have a delicious rump roast
they do nothing butt fight for the buns

a Klan meeting was decimated
the cops found just their hoods
a cannibal was implicated
when he 'passed' one out in the woods

'Wife, I'll be home for dinner'
that's what the cannibal told her
but when he got home, late from the bar
all he got was the cold shoulder

celebrity roasts are such fun
'let me in! ' the cannibals beg
but, just to attend one
would cost an arm and a leg

the man in their boiling pot
threw them all for a loop
he laughed as they added the spices
saying 'I just peed in your soup! '

The cannibal stopped by the funeral home
he needed something to munch
it was a whim, but awaiting him
he found a terrific box lunch

Men cannibals all debate
which part of the woman is best
I can't say what they ate
but it sure ain't the leg or the breast!

Lady cannibals caught a man
it seems he was quite tall
eating him was awfully fun
in fact they were having a ball

The 'self-cannibal' is too 'full of himself'
(it's a diet with many demands)
he always puts his foot in his mouth
and finally, threw up his hands.

You see, he can bite the hand that feeds him
and he can eat his heart right out
But if his eyes are too big for his stomach
He could get a bad case of the gout!

The worst day for the self-cannibal
was when he swallowed his pride
when his lady came to his bed that night
there was nothing for her to ride!

(Charles Audette,2006.
Warning! Part 2, even more distasteful, is coming soon…

Comments about The Cannibal Joke Song by Chuck Audette

  • Rajnish Manga (6/15/2018 12:36:00 PM)

    That's a good specimen of black humour and the last stanza is perfectly in line with the title. (Report) Reply

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  • (2/12/2007 2:45:00 PM)

    I have been a punster all my life but I bow to the floor at the feet of the micetrow. (Report) Reply

  • (8/25/2006 1:42:00 PM)

    Laughing my arse off.. now that's some achievement, and the talent behind the penning of this rhym-eand-rhythm-suits-the-humour-perfectly piece is clear for all to see. t x (Report) Reply

  • (8/9/2006 1:40:00 PM)

    Terrific poem Chuck...I am in awe of your talent as a punster! ! Keep up the great writes! !
    (Report) Reply

  • (8/9/2006 5:58:00 AM)

    A delicious feast of side splitting humour, tasty rhymes and a soupcon of wry wit -or should I say 'soup song'! Just brilliant - it' going in my favs - one to read, and re-read until it repeats itself. This has got to hold the record for puns - surely. Well worth the wait Chuck, looking forward to part 2! Justine (Report) Reply

  • (8/8/2006 7:56:00 PM)

    Wow o Wow o WOW! ! ! ! ! ! ! A tour de force of the farcical kind! I can't choose a favorite line - laughing much too HARD just now! ! ! You've thought of jokes that no one else ever would in a million years... Excellent queasy-funny stuff, Chuck! Glad you got cannibals on the brain of late, but you'd best shake 'em off before they take a bite... (that's all I got) ! Est : ]]] (Report) Reply

  • (8/8/2006 6:01:00 PM)

    My son just bit me whilst reading this Charles! lol! but I pinched him first honest. Great read indeedy. You are massively inspired dear Charles, there is a lot of eat up to be done, I specialise in cold blooded bittersweet bad boys myself, I am partial to the odd female grinch 2! ! ! rofl So looking forward to reading the next episode, I was writing a nursery rhyme today, funnily enough, Tai (Report) Reply

  • Brian Dorn (8/8/2006 5:54:00 PM)

    Charles, you should be hosting your own cooking show on the Cannibal Network! Terrifyingly funny stuff(ing) ! !
    (Report) Reply

  • (8/8/2006 3:59:00 PM)

    Well, you did threaten to do it! I loved this Chuck - all the best of you. Now pass the salt!
    Anna xxx
    (Report) Reply

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Poem Submitted: Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Poem Edited: Tuesday, August 24, 2010

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