Burden Bearer Poem by Practicing Poetess

Burden Bearer

Rating: 5.0

Pour your heart out to me
Don't keep it bottled up inside
'Twill fester and will poison you
Until a part of you has died.

We all need a sounding-board
A confidante, a place to vent
To bear your soul's a healthy thing
And it is time well spent.

Your burden's halved when it is shared,
That's what a friend is for.
So spill the beans, my friend, and you'll
Be carefree and have hope once more.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Topic(s) of this poem: friendship,honesty,sharing,talking
2nd Stanza,3rd line- - I meant to say, 'bare.'
Danged thing won't let me edit!
Troy Cochran 21 September 2017

Okay, Practicing Poet Tess, I will go out on a limb for you, as a newfound friend, bare my soul, and bear my burden. I will tread on my bare soles, like a bear barely walking, baring on tip-toes a bear's grizzled gift for you. First of all, I will tell you straight up that this rhyme deserves a 10. It is well-given counsel for all of us, and well crafted. And I am a big believer in rhymes: it makes poetry more enjoyable to read, more crafty and artful, more memorable, more musical, and is a more telling expression of the soul's intrinsic nature, which surely does not go around dragging its knuckles through life with a litany of complaints. (That is the ego's job.) But that is all the stroking you're going to get from me. Now to the sticking point: I've read this poem several times, and I keep tripping over that last line. The rhythm of the poem so well established from the get-go unravels at the end. I'm bouncing along in the meadow of your wisdom, like the Scarecrow in the field of poppies, and suddenly I'm downed by my own shoelaces that have become inexplicably intertwined. And this from a poet(Tess) that is starting to get a bit of fame for her last lines: 'I'll have to get the mop! ' from your Newly Fallen Rain (?) is forever imprinted in my mind (... which, again, proves the power of rhyme) . The door to a poem should close with a satisfying 'click! ' don't you think? So, given the whole point of your poem ~ i.e., honesty, sharing, friendship, giving unasked for advice ~ I feel it is not only incumbent on me to point this out, but to bare it (or bear it) as a gift to you: a gift of honey... with a darned, annoying little BEE in it! I hope you don't mind a little constructive criticism. Normally I am not one to dispense advice. I figure it is not my business how other poets craft their own art; it is for me to appreciate their gift anyway, and see from their eyes. But I am charmed by this poem, and as a 'Burden Bearer' (or Bearer of a Bear's Burden Bared) I fear that I must bare this burden or else: 'Twill fester and will poison me Until a part of me has died.' I hope my words are well taken. They are well intended. And if I may stretch our friendship one word longer, I have only one bean to spill. '...soar.' There, I said it. It was rattling around in my head. Thank you for sharing your charming poem. Do you not sometimes feel that we are right now writing tomorrow's classics? Right. No, seriously, Write... it's been seven days since you posted a new poem! How long do you expect an audience to wait? Spill those beans! Cheers!

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Practicing Poetess 22 September 2017

PICKLE, Troy? It's not much fun soaking & being steeped in alum, is it ? (hee-hee!) Bet you'll give pause & think twice now before slicing & dicing my poem's endings, won't you? Nothing wrong with Hallmark- - they wouldn't still be around, and financially profitable, were there not a demand for their product. My poem's ending was meant to capture the lightness felt (like a ton of bricks off your back) after you unburden to a good friend. Also, that initial heavy load can feel overwhelming and tend to hopelessness, but hope is restored once the load is gone. You essentially said the same thing, but with different words: That carefree feeling of freedom I described is like unto a soaring feeling (there's that word again.) Kinda hard for a bird to soar with a ton of bricks on its back, n'est - ce pas?

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Troy Cochran 22 September 2017

Alright, I got myself into this pickle, let's see if I can get myself out of it. I came up with three, but the first two are kind of Hallmarky: 'Your burden's halved when it is shared, That's what a friend is for. So spill the beans, my friend, And let your spirit soar.' (or: 'And burden yourself no more.') That is my two cents' worth. But I have one penny more, or perhaps only a farthing because it perhaps trivializes the poem's tone of sincerity: 'Your burden's halved when it is shared, That's what a friend is for. So spill the beans, my friend, That's what your beans are for.' That's the best I got. C'est ta vous.

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Practicing Poetess 21 September 2017

Oh my, you're counting the days since my last poetic contribution... I am being watched, and I must produce something, pronto! Friends, once trust is established, are allowed the freedom to take a few liberties, such as offering constructive criticism. So, how would YOU suggest that I wrap things up in my final line here? Present me with an alternative ending, s'il vous plait.

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Jonathan Maldonado 29 August 2017

So simply put, we all need someone to lean on! 10+

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Practicing Poetess 30 August 2017

Yes we do, Jonathan! Agreed! :)

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Rebecca Navarre 27 August 2017

A Very Beautiful Poem Of Heart And Soul! ! ! ! ! And 2nd stanza,3rd line, wouldn't worry along with your notes, , It's Cute, brings Smiles! ! ! ! :) Thank You So Much For Sharing This! ! ! ! ! Very Beautiful! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Ever So Many 10S! ! ! ! ! ! +++++

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Practicing Poetess 28 August 2017

Thank you, Bec, for always being in my corner! You bring a smile to me with your appreciation, when I've had a rough week. (In real life, not on Poem Hunter.) I so appreciate you!

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