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My Past Night

Rating: 4.8

It was my past night
Country people were died

I was in the bay
In search of milky way

But I can't find a way
Like a bat in a day

She stands in the paradise

Looking with a pleasure sight
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My Past Night
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Topic(s) of this poem: meeting
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COMMENTS OF THE POEM
Dr Antony Theodore 28 March 2016

angel, skies, love, passion and desire. She comes from the hight And hugs me very tight It is an ugly morn. My beloved has gone and the sense of loss. a very good poem. thank you for your passion. tony

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Bharati Nayak 07 April 2016

A young lover stands mesmerised as if in a dream he sees his love as a star in the milky wayShe comes from height to embrace.him.But after he wakes up from his sleep he realises that it was nothing but a dream.It really hurts when he finds that it is an unattainable goal.- - - Nice work.Keep writing.

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Raymond Farrell 06 April 2016

You feelings come throught strongly and purely but your style and English need great improvement which will come with time.

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C. P. Sharma 06 April 2016

A feelingly penned touching poem. Keep it up. Refinements will come with the passage time.Roof Missing have provided you with exhaustive guide lines. Please keep them in mind. All the best.

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Roof Missing 04 April 2016

Dear Mohammed Anas Affan, First of all welcome to PoemHunter! You sound very young but I want to encourage you as others have to keep writing. You may not be a native speaker of English but let me suggest several things you can do to improve your poems. Also please also fill out your bio so we can know more about you. You share a weakness with many young poets and first I suggest you spend more time with your work. Remember you are sharing a part of yourself with others, so always try to put your best foot forward. Use a spelling and grammar checker that might catch simple errors like height not hight in the 7th stanza or the plural error in the 6th stanza Like a star which guides not Like a stars which guide. Try to maintain the same tense throughout your poem unless there is a good reason to change it. The first two stanzas are in the past tense but the 3rd changes to present and might read I couldn't find my way. If I chose past tense for your poem then the remaining stanzas also need to change. So now we have... It was my past night Country people were died I was in the bay In search of milky way I couldn’t find my way Like a bat in a day She stood in paradise Looking with a pleasured sight It was a dark night She shone very bright Like a diamond in the night Like a star which guides She came down from the height And hugged me very tight Then came an ugly morn. My beloved has gone A next consideration might be rhyme scheme which your first draft suggest should be AA, BB, CC, but if chosen then you should avoid using the same rhyme in adjacent couplets as in stanza 2 and 3 or again in 1,4,5,6 and 7. A sense of movement also adds to poetic mood. The second stanza might be for example As I walked by the bay. In the bay suggests you are in the water to me. The meaning of the first stanza could also be clearer I think. I'm guessing that you mean here that due to the late hour most people were asleep like the dead, not that they had actually died. So perhaps with work your poem becomes Last night I walked to clear my head The country side slept like the dead As path then led me by the bay My soul took drink of milky way Lost in the magic of it all Like bat in storm, so small, so small When there she stood in paradise Viewing the earth with pleasured eyes Although the night was very dark A tenderness shone in her spark And like a diamond cannot hide Her fire conspired to be my guide Cold warmth that came from such a height Left me enraptured by her light, Alas at last then woke the dawn And my beloved star was gone. Please keep writing. You have a poet’s heart!

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Alisha Castle 27 November 2016

Good One. Keep it up!

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Kwai Chee Low 09 May 2016

Mr. Sharma has pointed out the relevant errors and given you good advice on how to write better. An effective way of improving your English is to be a prolific reader of novels. Then you will significantly increase your vocabulary and sort of naturally know how a sentence should be structured. Spelling mistakes will then be a thing of the past.

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Oceanna Lary 04 May 2016

that is so sad at the end, but a nice way to express your self.

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Simone Inez Harriman 28 April 2016

Your poem is beautiful and has an ethereal feel to it. Keep writing....10

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Well attempted! Continue writing

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