AfL y inf


My Past Night - Poem by AfL y inf

It was my past night
Country people were died

I was in the bay
In search of milky way

But I can't find a way
Like a bat in a day

She stands in the paradise
Looking with a pleasure sight

It was a dark night
She shines very bright

Like a diamond in the night
Like a stars which guide

She comes from the hight
And hugs me very tight

It is an ugly morn.
My beloved has gone

Topic(s) of this poem: meeting

Form: Couplet


Comments about My Past Night by AfL y inf

  • Alisha CastleAlisha Castle (11/27/2016 2:59:00 PM)

    Good One. Keep it up! (Report)Reply

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  • Kwai Chee LowKwai Chee Low (5/9/2016 3:48:00 AM)

    Mr. Sharma has pointed out the relevant errors and given you good advice on how to write better. An effective way of improving your English is to be a prolific reader of novels. Then you will significantly increase your vocabulary and sort of naturally know how a sentence should be structured. Spelling mistakes will then be a thing of the past. (Report)Reply

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  • Oceanna LaryOceanna Lary (5/4/2016 11:14:00 AM)

    that is so sad at the end, but a nice way to express your self. (Report)Reply

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  • Simone Inez Harriman (4/28/2016 3:32:00 AM)

    Your poem is beautiful and has an ethereal feel to it. Keep writing....10 (Report)Reply

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  • Nalini Jyotsana Chaturvedi (4/10/2016 12:10:00 PM)

    Well attempted! Continue writing (Report)Reply

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  • Bharati NayakBharati Nayak (4/7/2016 5:56:00 AM)

    A young lover stands mesmerised as if in a dream he sees his love as a star in the milky wayShe comes from height to embrace.him.But after he wakes up from his sleep he realises that it was nothing but a dream.It really hurts when he finds that it is an unattainable goal.- - - Nice work.Keep writing. (Report)Reply

    Affan Mohammed(8/19/2018 12:06:00 PM)

    Thanks, I appreciate you really understand my emotions.

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  • Raymond Farrell (4/6/2016 2:34:00 AM)

    You feelings come throught strongly and purely but your style and English need great improvement which will come with time. (Report)Reply

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  • C. P. SharmaC. P. Sharma (4/6/2016 12:48:00 AM)

    A feelingly penned touching poem. Keep it up. Refinements will come with the passage time.Roof Missing have provided you with exhaustive guide lines. Please keep them in mind. All the best. (Report)Reply

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  • Roof Missing (4/4/2016 1:19:00 PM)

    Dear Mohammed Anas Affan,

    First of all welcome to PoemHunter! You sound very young but I want to encourage you as others have to keep writing. You may not be a native speaker of English but let me suggest several things you can do to improve your poems. Also please also fill out your bio so we can know more about you.

    You share a weakness with many young poets and first I suggest you spend more time with your work. Remember you are sharing a part of yourself with others, so always try to put your best foot forward.

    Use a spelling and grammar checker that might catch simple errors like height not hight in the 7th stanza or the plural error in the 6th stanza Like a star which guides not Like a stars which guide.

    Try to maintain the same tense throughout your poem unless there is a good reason to change it. The first two stanzas are in the past tense but the 3rd changes to present and might read I couldn't find my way. If I chose past tense for your poem then the remaining stanzas also need to change. So now we have...

    It was my past night
    Country people were died

    I was in the bay
    In search of milky way

    I couldn’t find my way
    Like a bat in a day

    She stood in paradise
    Looking with a pleasured sight

    It was a dark night
    She shone very bright

    Like a diamond in the night
    Like a star which guides

    She came down from the height
    And hugged me very tight

    Then came an ugly morn.
    My beloved has gone

    A next consideration might be rhyme scheme which your first draft suggest should be AA, BB, CC, but if chosen then you should avoid using the same rhyme in adjacent couplets as in stanza 2 and 3 or again in 1,4,5,6 and 7.

    A sense of movement also adds to poetic mood. The second stanza might be for example As I walked by the bay. In the bay suggests you are in the water to me.

    The meaning of the first stanza could also be clearer I think. I'm guessing that you mean here that due to the late hour most people were asleep like the dead, not that they had actually died. So perhaps with work your poem becomes

    Last night I walked to clear my head
    The country side slept like the dead

    As path then led me by the bay
    My soul took drink of milky way

    Lost in the magic of it all
    Like bat in storm, so small, so small

    When there she stood in paradise
    Viewing the earth with pleasured eyes

    Although the night was very dark
    A tenderness shone in her spark

    And like a diamond cannot hide
    Her fire conspired to be my guide

    Cold warmth that came from such a height
    Left me enraptured by her light,

    Alas at last then woke the dawn
    And my beloved star was gone.

    Please keep writing. You have a poet’s heart!
    (Report)Reply

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  • Paul SebastianPaul Sebastian (4/4/2016 6:48:00 AM)

    Well rhymed poem with an allusion of a star who visits you at night. I liked it.
    Just correct a typo error in sixth stanza: You may want to change from Like a stars which guide to Like a star she's a guide. Keep on writing.
    (Report)Reply

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  • Dev AnandDev Anand (4/3/2016 10:22:00 AM)

    She comes from the hight
    And hugs me very tight. ohhhhhhh what kind of a great dream....... you are very sensual. i like such romantic poems
    please write and send. thank you dear.
    (Report)Reply

    A FlyA Fly(4/4/2016 12:38:00 AM)

    thank you sir

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  • Louis RamsLouis Rams (4/3/2016 10:13:00 AM)

    to me it seems she came to you in a midnight dream and disappeared right away
    for you to face another day
    (Report)Reply

    A FlyA Fly(4/4/2016 12:39:00 AM)

    thank for your blessing

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  • Ramesh T ARamesh T A (4/3/2016 3:55:00 AM)

    Soothing sorrowful song this poem is! With a slight correction here and there it can be made into a perfect rhyming poem! (Report)Reply

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  • Sonali GangulySonali Ganguly (3/30/2016 11:09:00 PM)

    wonderful rhyme.... nice imagination, beautiful picturization of your affection. keep it up.... i liked the poem (Report)Reply

    A FlyA Fly(3/31/2016 12:19:00 AM)

    thank you so much...........for reading my poetry..........keep on blessing me............im new hear............i need ur much support

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  • Uzefa Rashida M.aUzefa Rashida M.a (3/28/2016 10:29:00 AM)

    Nice imagery and great thought. keep it up Anas. (Report)Reply

    A FlyA Fly(3/29/2016 2:13:00 AM)

    thank you..........!
    for showing this path
    which i had never thought
    you are my teacher
    who make my future..................keep blessing me...............

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  • Dr Tony BrahminDr Tony Brahmin (3/28/2016 2:40:00 AM)

    angel, skies, love, passion and desire.
    She comes from the hight
    And hugs me very tight
    It is an ugly morn.
    My beloved has gone and the sense of loss. a very good poem. thank you for your passion. tony
    (Report)Reply

    A FlyA Fly(3/28/2016 3:12:00 AM)

    thank you for encouraging me.........
    You know what, life is short
    But i yen to do a lot
    thank you.....Dr.tony

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Poem Submitted: Sunday, March 27, 2016

Poem Edited: Monday, March 28, 2016


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