Poetic Elf, The….[ N O T To Be Read By "Genteel" People; True Or False? ; Bri's Meanness; Long; Original Title Was " I Hate Myself "] Poem by Bri Edwards

I hate myself.I loathe myself.I'm the worst despicable human being, ……….
AND ‘No Other' can stand me either; we ALL [from me] feel like fleeing.
It's NOT that I've grown to be repulsive; I've ALWAYS been this way.
There's no hope I'll become ‘acceptable', as my negativity is …..HERE to STAY.

For nine months I ‘shared' the womb with my twin; she came out AFTER me.
I'd hogged Mom's placenta and weighed in at 15 pounds ……to my sister's 3.
As the doctor was about to slap me, I shouted: "I CAN BREATHE!Leave me be! ! !
A shocked expression came o'er his face before he AND two nurses did FLEE.

My mom grabbed my sister, jumped off the table, and quickly followed them.
I gobbled up the afterbirth, and burped. It was chewy and tasted like phlegm.

I checked myself out of the hospital, and crawled my way downtown.
A cop stooped to pick me up.My bites caused him to bleed and frown.
I stopped at a bar.That's when I realized I'd need to get some money.
Next I stopped at a house all lit up with red lights. A ‘broad' in heels asked: "Honey,
….where are YOU going this time of night? "I said: "I don't know", & peed on her shoe.
BUT I got hired as a guard o'er the other ‘babes', five nights a week,6 p.m. to 2.

Yeah, I got some stares at times ………………but then I just GLARED back,
I was called "Tiny", but outgrew the name as more muscle I did pack ….
on me.
I got TALL too.4 feet 3 inches at age 8.Six feet tall at twelve.
I could handle any troublesome ‘John'. [Into my past, no one cared to delve.]

I did my job, smoked, AND drank, ….and learned, from ‘the girls', some tricks.
When I wasn't working, kids sometimes approached, but with them I did NOT mix.
I never went to school, but I DID learn how to ………..read and write.
My pride and joy was my PC which I used to access the PoemHunter site.

And there, as everywhere, I was my very own despicable self.
I made up what I thought was a clever ‘nom de plume': "The Poetic Elf".
I wrote and submitted poems praising crime, lust, filth, and GORE.
But what could you expect from an ‘orphan' …raised up by a whore?

I berated ALL the other poets' poems …….at every opportunity.
I pointed out their STUPID errors, but at least I did it ….all for FREE!

I'm loathsome, hateful, …………the worst a human being can be.
I crush ants beneath my feet and shoot singing birds from every tree.
I steal parcels left by UPS and FedEx, especially near ‘the holidays'.
I'm despicable and so nasty, I KNOW, but I'm very ‘set in my ways'.

I stretch heavy fishing line across mountain bike trails.Oh what fun!
I steal clothes from nude bathers at the beach while they ….bask in the sun.
I've never paid federal OR state income taxes; I've no Social Security card.
In winter I build obscene snowmen at night, in the local elementary schoolyard.

I make needle holes in packs of condoms ….at YOUR local grocery store,
AND I cover bridges and buildings with graffiti [signed "B. Johnston"], ….AND more!
I go to every church in town and steal from collection plates on Sunday.,
I hack into the payroll accounts of corporations and make workers ‘late' on Monday.

I pull fire alarms when there's no fire, & I yell "FIRE! " in crowded theaters.
I turn off the gas at apartment buildings (5 degrees outside)so they can't use their heaters.
I cruise libraries and rearrange shelves of books and DVD movies too.
On buses and trains I spread (on the seats)heat-activated, fast-drying glue.

BUT it's ….NOT MY FAULT …..that I'm so loathsome.I can't even stand myself.
Now, I hope you have had a MISERABLE time …..reading of the life of "The Poetic Elf".

GOOD!

(December ….23 ……2017)