Spider Prey/Spider's Prey/Spiders' Prey (Take Your Pick) ..... [long, But Worth It I Hope; Personal Spider-Fantasy; Humour/Humor? ] - Poem by Bri Edwards
As I was taking a shower today,
a story came to me,
about how I could become Spider Prey,
and nevermore be free.
I was in the basement bathroom....
as our main bathroom’s being changed.
You may think my story’s not plausible;
you may think that I’m deranged.
Spiders are ancient creatures,
if you believe the “fossil clues”.
They’ve eight legs each and produce strands of silk,
sticky like some glues.
Some are very tiny and...
some are very huge.
Many a meal they capture,
They also have more eyes than we have,
and fangs like those.... of some snakes.
Some can run very fast, and some....
can jump... for goodness sakes!
We have our share in our new house;
we had more at the last.
If I were a fly caught in a spider’s web,
I’m sure I’d look aghast.
So here I was, minding my business,
commencing to take a shower,
when, with no great surprise mind you,
I spied a spider which seemed to cower....
up near the shower stall ceiling, way up on the wall.
To me it seemed hesitant,
not knowing where to crawl.
Now, you understand I weigh two hundred pounds...
and stand near six feet tall,
SO that spider seemed NO threat to me;
it was feather-weight and oh so small!
Granted, if I’d placed it under a magnifying glass,
it would have been a SIGHT,
but, under the given circumstances,
I thought it was ME who gave HIM a fright.
So I was rinsing my back with water,
observing how it did move.
But my comfort zone, as I thought of it,
was not large enough, it soon would prove.
I turned my back on the arachnid,
and proceeded to enjoy the man-made rain,
when, all of a sudden, in my left buttock....
I experienced an awful pain.
I almost fell down to the tub floor;
that’s as great as the pain WAS.
I glanced back and spied the spider retreating,
its body covered.... with black fuzz.
Earlier I’d thoughts of spraying the spider...
and washing it down the drain.
Now I cursed the mercy I’d shown; NOW....
I had let “The Beast”, the advantage gain.
A warm numbness started to overtake me.
I’d no time to call nine-eleven.
Could this be the END of me? Could this be....
my “time” for Hell or Heaven?
My wife was nowhere near, even if....
my weak voice could stir a cry.
Was there no help to be had? Why didn’t I spray....
the spider first? .... Why, oh why, oh WHY?
As I sank down to my knees, I inadvertently....
shut off the water flow.
Then I saw them coming: an Army of Spiders.
Oh Horror! Oh no, oh NO!
There must have been dozens; NO, at least....
hundreds to tell the truth.
“The Beast” was directing his soldiers,
leading them like Baseball's immortal Ruth.
There were big spiders, small spiders,
spiders plain and spiders fancy.
There were short-legged ones, long-legged ones,
and one female spider.... named Nancy.
[I would have introduced myself;
befriending “the foe” might help,
but, as I was wrapped in sticky strands,
I became like a helpless pup (a whelp) .]
“The Beast” [I later learned his name was Charles]...
took on an air of calm,
but I, wrapped up like a mummy,
was decidedly in need of balm.
The pain had luckily subsided quickly,
and the numbness was now quite mild,
but there I lay on the tub floor, soaking wet,
and I cried.... like a child.
I thought they would just leave me there.
[At least the silk kept me warm, and....
as quickly as they first appeared,
the Army left me..... in a swarm.]
I tried to gather my wits together,
which proved an impossible task.
“The Beast” approached me face-to-face, and....
I had a question but I..... WAS AFRAID TO ASK.
I wanted to ask him if I’d live or die,
if the Army would return to dine.
He just looked me in my two eyes (with his six) ....
and said “There you are, YOU SWINE! ”
That made me pretty mad,
adding insult to my compromised state.
Then he said (can he read minds too?) ,
'You're lucky this time. We just ate.'
He left me there. What was I to do?
It was nearly 7 p.m.
[I expected my wife home late.
Would SHE come back first, .... OR THEM? ]
I must have dozed off for a bit;
how I managed that I do not know.
It was then I saw the Army returning.
First a few, then their number did grow.
And now they were not alone! Oh, NO! ;
they’d brought some creepy-crawly friends.
It began to remind me of a nightmare horrible,
a nightmare that never ends.
Again I felt a sharp pain in my butt,
which seems to be the target of choice.
I started to feel more drowsy now....
and less aware, .... for which I did rejoice.
Who knew what was in store for me next?
I dared not hazard a guess.
“If I survive this, ” I told myself,
“I’ll get an exterminator.” What a mess! !
“The Beast” directed, in Spider Speak,
the Army to cinch my bindings tighter.
As I felt my body being lifted I heard some spider....
MOAN... “I wish he was much lighter! ”
I must have passed out at that point.
I came to when the medics arrived.
My wife, dear wife, had finally come home...
and found me, and, golly, I had survived.
She told me later that when she came home...
a little black spider met her.
He’d told her she should go check the....
downstairs bathroom. [She put on a sweater.]
She went down the steep, dark stairs,
a perplexed expression on her face.
What she found there caused her to laugh OUT LOUD.
Think of my DISGRACE!
There I was, wrapped oh so tight in silk,
hanging from the shower curtain rod.
Now whenever I dare to take a walk up our street,
the neighbors just look at me.. and WINK... and NOD.
Poet's Notes about The Poem
i forgot to mention: i must have made a hundred changes (mostly very minor, including ways of spacing the phrases) in this poem today. i just wrote it last night. i hope you dream of spiders tonight.
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