Too Nice? ……. [my Life, Being Nice; Fantasy; Humor; Personal; A Little Long] Poem by Bri Edwards

Yes, I’m just TOO NICE, but I won’t “blow my own horn”.
It’s something that came naturally to me, ever since ……I was born.
Even BEFORE my birth, “niceness”, to me, did stick.
Why, not ONCE, when I was in the womb, did I, my mommy, kick!

I remember the day I emerged headfirst to see the world.
I cut my own umbilical cord, raised it above my head, and twirled.
Later, a hospital nursery nurse said “this crying gives me a damn head-ACHE”,
so, from that day on, till I began to talk, not one more squawk …..did I make.

The one time my daddy “changed me”, he held his nose and said “Pew! ”,
so of course, from that day on, no more smelly you-know-what did I “doo doo”.
When Mom breastfed me in public (sometimes with one, sometimes with two) ,
I raised my hands to cover Mom’s you-know-what, to spare the strangers …the view.

[Fast-forwarding several years, during which I was ….oh so nice]:

On Christmas Eve Mom and I left, for Santa, ….milk and cookies for his snack.
Then, on my own, I got carrots for his deer, and put them near the pool out back.
On Christmas day, from all my gifts ……I kept just one, not more;
the rest I took to a homeless shelter …for the kids there who were poor.

In sixth grade I got in trouble in math class, ……….‘cause I was so nice;
for helping others on their math tests, I got punished, not just once but twice! !
Six years later I helped my high school football team be undefeated; yes, we won them ALL.
BUT, when the score was TOO lopsided, I’d toss the other team the ball.

Harvard, Stanford, and MIT all offered me full scholarships; yes, they ALL wanted ME.
I didn’t want to disappoint them, SO I earned a Harvard BS, a Stanford MS, and ….an MIT PhD.
My studies, sports, and dating kept me busy, BUT I didn’t dare to be NOT nice,
so I found some time to give to each university’s Board of Trustees ……advice!

I formed a high-tech research firm which, financially, did very well.
Each year I gave all workers 100% bonuses, which each …..thought was swell.
I gave my alma maters big gifts as well, and served on each of their Boards.
I gave money to all non-profits (who asked) , which soon amounted to hordes.

I married four times; each was lovely; they all were treated like queens.
But don’t think I’m stupid. I’m just nice. I never lived beyond my means.
My sons and daughters I, all, did love, and I helped them in many a way.
And I donated each month to sperm banks, …………to help others with my DNA.

My father was a three-time loser ……..who ended his years in jail,
BUT I did what I could to comfort him, and each week I wrote, ….without fail.
My mother suffered from mental illness. Life for her was a never-ending struggle,
but whenever I visited her in the hospital, we’d sit very close and share a snuggle.

I went to Mass once a month, and confessed to a priest once a year.
I was never sure God really existed, but for my soul I have no fear.

Now I’ve climbed a snowy mountain; I’ve come up here to die.
I’ll give myself to the ravens and vultures; over me, they now do fly.

(April 13 + 14,2014)