A Day In The Life Of An Alcoholic's Wife... Poem by Lee Degnan

Just like a number of months before,
I awoke from a terrible dream
screaming
I took the next few moments of haze then
scrambling for my bearings
Just a dream, or a warning?
too soon to tell, yet
already
program running out of my skull...
And just like that,
I've armed myself with my old ways
and off to great start to a brand new day

Collecting my thoughts came
easier after the haze of sleep left
And I looked over to you
where you were sleeping
like a baby
Rising within me was not
the fuzzy warm feelings of love
but old regrets and resentments
Somehow I'm to live with your
mistakes
randomly yoking me up from sleep
as if I were a slave
A slave, in fact, to a terrible master.

I kicked myself for throwing the
blankets off, and I shivered
and for a moment it felt as if the
cold
could crystallize my tears
A passing thought to check
your cell phone occurred to me....
but I swore my sleuthing days were over
dammit...
I promised to turn my will to God
for the steps I take within that deed
promises
the serenity that I need.

Shedding some light
hopefully to my thoughts
as well as my room
I reached over my nightstand
for the lamp and my book
I believe the best way to
use such a book
is by way of 'divining'...
for my two thumbs to part the pages
and let the sages of those before me
speak the words
in the language only we
understood.

I searched for the meaning within
closed my eyes, hugged my book
hoping
that I could gain the wisdom-
that somehow if I could unlock it
with the right key
it would be mine...
Vaguely I sensed someone watching
and looked down beside me
and saw your eyes
You asked if I was ok
my answer was 'it's a work in progress'...
Which is the truth.
And I think back to my reading and realized...

Past is past, what's done is done...
Even as hard as one works it
We're still a walking time bomb
We've got some time
now
under our belt
and although the old habits within us still surface,
and all the hurt that's ever felt,
He goes into his room
and I into mine
the separation within that important
hour
will help both of us find-
Strength of self,
and strength even together
Equipped with this,
things can only get better
The two of us working this
go so very much hand in hand
I tell people it's the way of broken
marriages
but before hocked wedding bands...
I know I've hurt you
and I'm sorry if I ever did
I've my own master, and disease
and God willing, of which I will be
rid
I pray for you every night
that you too find your way...
I love you with all my heart,
forever and a day.

'Keep coming back, it works if you work it,
so work it, you're worth it! ! '


(Written with love for my husband, David.)