Molay Toufik

Deep Feeling - Poem by Molay Toufik

Some mechanical changes that do not change the intent of the poem.
proposed and corrected by my dear friend C Cruz

So far away from you
Deep in love with you
If you're not my girl
I will try anything, I could
Everything; because, I should
If not, I will look the fool
Since no one lives without soul
That's why I'll call anytime by phone
Trying not to be alone

Comments about Deep Feeling by Molay Toufik

  • Justin Reamer (8/3/2012 1:50:00 PM)

    You're a very good poet. This poem is pretty good. Keep up the good work. (Report) Reply

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  • (2/7/2012 12:40:00 PM)

    english may not be your first language; but man you're GOOD! keep writing! (Report) Reply

  • Hans Vr (1/23/2012 8:53:00 PM)

    Wow, Toufik, this one is very good as well. Very nice, full of feeling. Wonderful! (Report) Reply

  • (12/28/2011 11:28:00 AM)

    I think if you improve on your English a little more, your poems will captivate the reader like you intend. Wonderful thoughts here. Well done! (Report) Reply

  • Joses Tirtabudi (12/28/2011 1:20:00 AM)

    Much better English than the previous one. The feeling I got from reading it, was that it could be a little bit longer. I really liked the theme, but it ends a little too abruptly. Otherwise, it runs very well. Just needs to have more development of the theme, or in simple language, make it a longer. Keep writing :) (Report) Reply

  • (12/27/2011 8:31:00 PM)

    Toufik, you emailed me randomly I suspect, to critique your poem, and what I think; honestly; is you should look at the 28 comments here and see how your poem could be communicated in a way that makes your reader understand how you feel. This is not about rating your work, if you want to be a poet; you need to work at your craft. “ numerical rating” is irrelevant, but moving someone with your poem, making their heart race a bit faster, changing their perspective a little or simply making someone relate to the emotion of your work is the most important thing. Keep writing and practising. (Report) Reply

  • (12/27/2011 8:26:00 PM)

    the last part is awesome! (Report) Reply

  • (12/27/2011 7:01:00 PM)

    I could everything? Great other than tht as far as i can see ^^. (Report) Reply

  • Vipins Puthooran (12/27/2011 2:13:00 PM)

    Heart speaks here! A real-poem! ! I love the flow! ! top marks! ! (Report) Reply

  • (12/26/2011 9:40:00 AM)

    It's great, I like the rhymings. Put more effort the sky is your limit. You can read & comment on my poems also by clicking on my name. Thanks (Report) Reply

  • (12/25/2011 6:04:00 PM)

    I enjoyed the rhythm to this poem.

    Since no one lives without soul
    That's why I'll call anytime by phone
    Trying not to be alone

    Nice work.
    (Report) Reply

  • (12/25/2011 2:42:00 PM)

    Words from the heart cross all boundries. Great poem Molay (Report) Reply

  • (12/25/2011 2:31:00 PM)

    I ll look the fool do you mean... (I ll be like a fool.. or I ll look like a fool)
    I guess I ll be the fool, or a fool...would sound better
    2- no one lives without a soul or his soul..
    3-try to be more oblique
    I am nt a critic but this is what I think
    (Report) Reply

  • Dylan Dowrick (12/25/2011 11:24:00 AM)

    9 outtta 10 my friend tooooooo short, but very straight forward. I'd like to see more similes or metaphors. I LOVE SIMILES (Report) Reply

  • Mugonda Prince (12/24/2011 10:49:00 PM)

    Too straight to the point you need to put more metaphors for it to taste better (Report) Reply

  • Bancroft Boreland (12/24/2011 8:06:00 PM)

    it is simple and to the point but in my opinion, i thought it could have, should have been longer. it ended too abruptly.i like the way the words blend though. (Report) Reply

  • (12/24/2011 2:05:00 PM)

    Like it. A good poem. Easy to read and understand.
    Great write.
    (Report) Reply

  • (12/24/2011 10:32:00 AM)

    Be careful whom you love, sometimes when you're lonely things can become distorted, (making unwise dissensions) hence I will try anything, I could
    A person could be with someone else and still be lonely because that person isn't right for them. If the person you are writing about is not someone that you could be friends with, like, have things in common with, make each other laugh, empathic toward each others needs, etc....there is nothing to build on, no foundation for a deeper, meaningful, love binding relationship.
    Good poem.
    Keep penning :)
    (Report) Reply

  • Scotty Dogg (12/23/2011 1:59:00 PM)

    Nice. i really like this one. (Report) Reply

  • (12/20/2011 8:51:00 AM)

    well expressed! i like the truthfullnes and the openness. anyone can relate to it. (Report) Reply

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Poem Submitted: Saturday, December 17, 2011

Poem Edited: Wednesday, December 21, 2011

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