stephen stirk

stephen stirk Poems

In the heart of an old village setting
There stands an Antique dealers rooms
Full of rarest antiques brought for vetting
Plus two urns sold by Hilda May Coombs
...

When I was young in yesteryear
Involved in pulling birds
We got our kicks from drinking beer
In pints, not halves or thirds
...

You’re a poet, as they say
All you write is poetically full of art
Wince when you read your stuff
As from literacy you stand apart
...

(Inspired from the comments of Ian Bowen)

I love you darling this is true
I crave your body language
...

The kiddie’s party’s underway
The titchy ones have come to play
Criteria for getting in
You must be three and love a din
...

A thug I am, to other men
My fists are not ignored
Till other thugs said “try a pen”
It’s mightier than the sword
...

Today (Day 1) I writed stuff I thort was pritty neet
I wanna do this poet shit, so that I can complete

Today (Day 2) I wroted tings I thawt was really neat
...

Come on now guys; No ifs! No buts!
Let’s talk about your precious nuts
And how you guard them night and day
The right hand never far away
...

In a part of this great universe
A planet that I’ve found
Has four secreted corners
Despite the fact it’s round
...

Happy mother’s day mother!
There are chocolates for you on the shelf
And unlike my uncaring brother
I won’t eat your choccies myself
...

stephen stirk Biography

I am a 52 year old Comedy Poet. Much in life amuses me, and I often find myself committing what I see into rhyme. My poetry tends to have an 'earthy quality' which may originate from a life time of living on Merseyside in England. I am by definition a 'Liverpudlian'. Apparently we have the unique ability to laugh at ourselves before others. Looking at most of us, I can see why that would be the case. Liverpool has recently held the prestigeous title of 'European Capital of Culture'. I doubt you will see much of that in the writings of Stephen J Stirk Esquire. I am a semi retired member of the Civil Service, and spent much of my career in the Magisterial Service as a manager. I feel that it was this period in my life that tempered my wit in the fires of sarcasm and cynicism. In hindsight I was probably better suited to be a Blacksmith than an Administrator of Justice. I am married with three beautiful little children aged 24,22 and 18. This is a standard phrase which I am sure is used by most parents to describe their offspring. The reality would be unprintable. The people and places of Merseyside provide the settings for much of my writing and inspiration. I pride myself in selecting subject matter which is so diverse that nobody else would think of it. I never see people for who or what they are. Character assassination is far more fun

The Best Poem Of stephen stirk

A Sale Of Two Titties

In the heart of an old village setting
There stands an Antique dealers rooms
Full of rarest antiques brought for vetting
Plus two urns sold by Hilda May Coombs

Last valued in May, Nineteen thirty
Estimated at fifteen pound each
The value-er thought they were ‘dirty’
Uncertain what price range they’d reach

Hilda had sold them to Betty
For the price of just one hundred quid
They were no longer friends, all quite petty
And Betty decided, ‘Get Rid’

Hilda had nearly no money
Had in recent years always been sick
It was no laughing matter, ‘not funny’
Poor Hilda had ‘Left eye wink’ tic

She had noticed the urns in the window
And the interest had made her go in
Thought “I’ll miss the first game at the bingo
With my luck, I’m sure I won’t win”

At the sale rooms the buyers were massing
Old eggcups and teacups and mugs
The interest was more than just ‘passing’
But all eyes fell on Betty’s huge jugs

Each pictured a part naked woman
Revealing their part covered chests
“Who’ll offer a hundred now cum-on
It’s worth it to look at their breasts”

Then the auctioneer said “What a nice pair,
You seldom see many around
They would grace almost any Antique fair
Okay start me at Ninety Five Pound”

The bidding began in frenzy
Authenticity taken on trust
Determined old pervert McKenzie
Could not take his eyes of each bust

As the auctioneer dealt with the bidding
Hilda tried not to look up or blink
“Three hundred pounds –you are kidding
There worth more than that much-I think”

Hilda was good at concealing
But her nerves were now giving some stick
And she couldn’t refrain from the feeling
That someone would notice her tic

As Hilda winked faster than lightening
Her luckless demise was profound
She could feel that her stomach was tightening
As the bidding reached twelve thousand pound

The bidding continued to rocket
McKenzie kept bidding in fits
As he fumbled within his right pocket
And mumbled “I’ll have Betty’s t**s”

The auctioneer played with his gavel
McKenzie played games with his flies
As the auction began to unravel
And Hilda winked wild with both eyes

Then the bidding stopped dead rather quickly
And silence fell over the rooms
McKenzie had failed and looked sickly
“Fifty thousand – sold ‘Hilda May Coombs’

The sheer realisation of winning
Had made Hilda Coombs very sick
Hopes shattered, and head that was spinning
Each successful bid made by her tic

As she signed for the lot, the cashier
Said “well done these are great and not tat”
As Hilda May wiped off a tear
Said “I’ll have to re-mortgage me flat”

McKenzie approached her and then said
Here’s a kiss, a well done and some hugs
Then viciously slapped at her poor head
And lunged as she dropped her great jugs

Now poor Hilda lives in a hovel
With big damaged jugs and no kitty
And is writing her best selling novel
It’s title ‘A Sale of Two Tittie (s)

stephen stirk Comments

Gordon Wilkinson 24 February 2009

Steve who i know from another site, amazes me how he manages to get humour into impossible situations and takes away what in some could be sadness and replaces it with mirth - truly a master of mirth

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You have a great way of making fun of everything-humor is so important-I've laughed through everyone of your poems! ! ! ! ! ! ! You have been bestowed THE MANY HA HAs AWARD for the whole bunch of poemsHAHAHAHA**********************************

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Susan Bagley 14 April 2009

I am delighted to write about Stephen's work here on poemhunter. It is said that Laughter is the same in all languages. This is so true and Steve has mastered the art of taking life situations and converting them into rhyme to elicit laughter and soothe the troubled soul. William James (author, psyhcologist) said that ' We do not laugh because we are happy, we are happy because we laugh.' And anytime I feel I need that dose of gaiety and mirth I simply log on and go to Stephen's page where I find relief from my dialy cares. It takes a great deal of talent to take situations such as he tackles and turn them into a pleasant rhyme that rings true and flows and entertains all at the same time. He is a master at this and I highly recommend checking his work on a regular basis. My regards to him as a poet. Susan Bagley

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Christine Kerr 07 May 2009

I truly enjoy Stephen's work he writes in his poems and his comments. He has a knack of reaching deep into your soul and pulling out thoughts of ' oh yea, I have felt that before.' His words are a pleasure reading, anticipating, what joys he will bring forward for you to read the next time.

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Wendy Webb 12 May 2009

Yes, I enjoyed this one. Very true... in an exaggerated slapstick kind of way.

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Ian Bowen 28 October 2009

Steve, is a poet of many skills. I especially enjoy his comedy pieces. Has always been one of my favourite writers on here. His poems should never be missed.

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T S 04 September 2009

Wow You are not short of admires Steve.... Does it not prove the fact that Humour is so essential in everybody's lives. Also so rare....... Your Poems are unique, and they can lift any miserable old sod's mood. I never leave PH without reading one of your Poems... I love the diversity and the way in which you humourously pen each Poem.. Laughter is the best medicine.... Thanks for making me laugh so early in the mornings... Tracy

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Shashendra Amalshan 12 August 2009

Hey every one! ! 'If your head twirls! ! ! Curly hair boils Forget the movies of Ashton Kutcher’s Don’t let your head burn, visit Stephen Stirk’s Witty, entertaining, funny Poetic circuses! ! He is one of my personal favorites in the site, ... Very entertaining and can fix any dull mode.. He is not just a mere comedian, his funny witty, satirical poems can be enjoyed at many levels.... He must be jolly fellow, very rarely replies to mails though lolss... Cheerssss Shan

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Jim Scallan 28 July 2009

Jim Scallan wrote 'You have rekindled my sense of humour that once was doused by the icy rain(yellow rain?) of reality. I thank you dearly for exposing yourself in such a manner! . Let me know when your time is up, I know some nice places we can hide' Now that I know where you're hiding........

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LOVEFOOL Aka 18 July 2009

There is many a true word spoken in jest and Stephen will make you laugh and when you stop laughing he makes you think.Awesome talent

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