Bri Edwards Humor Poems

I’m an American. So you know I KNOW about equality, right?
And I’m married. I strive for spousal equality with all my might!
Let me share with you how I help to keep my marriage EQUAL.
I’m so good at it that this is my 3rd marriage sequel.
...

I saw a lonely cloud one day.
It looked small beyond the Bay.
I tried to find a second and failed,
even though I looked each way.
...

Some of you think you know me well,
but I doubt you do. Now I will tell …
‘the way it is'.
My life that is, specifically that I AM shy ….,
...

Speak to me, Moon, of what you see.
Oh! I forgot; you CAN'T see. Pardon me.

Then speak to me, Moon, of what you hear.
...

I don't dine in five-star restaurants; no frills I need while eating;
I've no desire for a waitress to help me with my.......seating.
But, in seeking new poem titles, it may seem I search the dregs*;
today I found 'Paper Frills Decorative Holders for Turkey Legs'.
...

It was my darling daughter's wedding day,
and, though NOT 'pure', she wore white.
She would have eloped if I'd had MY way;
I'd rather have been flying …. a damn kite.
...

Have you ever had this horrid ordeal:
listening to a learning-musician feel …
his or her way through a new selection, ]
striving every H O U R to reach music-perfection?
...

Doc said: "Bri, your eye is diseased;
therefore it must ….soon come out."
I told her to do as she pleased.
"Ok, Doc, I won't cry or shout."
...

Mary was a little weird, a fact with which you'll soon agree.
And if this story sounds familiar, I hope you'll forgive...ME.
She attended Beavis Elementary, just around the block.
She left for school each school day, by eight a.m. by the clock.
...

In the park for peoples' amusement……
were some workers with an accusement.
T'was on the merry-go-round
where they were all found,
...

If you awaken before me
And I'm crying in my sleep,
I must be dreaming of you,
You dirty rotten little creep.
...

I've got a lot of hair I hide...BENEATH my clothes,
not the least of which is...the hair BETWEEN my toes.
You may think it STRANGE I've got hair between my toes,
but what MY friends think is strange...IS that i wear clothes.
...

Don’t YOU just hate some people? Wouldn’t you like them gone?
Some human-types I do despise, though some people over them do fawn.

The first that comes to mind is the “no-hands” bicycle-rider.
...

In these days of rapidly-spreading same-sex marriages,
when same-sex partners even push baby carriages,
it can be an advantage for a man to have a name like Sue,
BECAUSE if he loves another guy, and they decide to say 'I do', ……
...

Outside my window a big cat sat,
a big, FAT, cat without any hat.
Its fur was white and really quite long.
Nights she would serenade me with a song.
...

For ten thousand years, on a lofty mountain ledge, the shiny pebble sat,
until this afternoon when a brazen raven.....dropped it squarely on my hat.
I guess I had it coming, as I planned to steal chicks from her nest.
Soooo...I decided I'd give up for now, ... and hike back home to rest.
...

Black cat why do you run?
I want to have some fun.
Let me pet you.
Let me get you
...

As I lay face-up upon my bed, strange thoughts roared inside my head.
The ceiling light’s cover seemed like a pearl, causing my synapses to swiftly swirl.
Was I really in a house, pray tell? Or was I encased in a huge oyster shell?
Was I a man such as you might greet, or was I a great big hunk of oyster meat?
...

Please don’t confuse me with my cousin “Slug”,
and never, no never dare.....to call me a bug!
I’m a SNAIL, and proud to show off my shell,
and if you don’t like it, you can go to Hell! !
...

From time to time my wife has said to me 'Some day
I wish all of my Internet and snail mail and phone calls will go away.'
(Of course I, her husband, think exactly the opposite about MY mail and calls.
But perhaps you've heard the expression about there being ears in the walls?)
...

[[I was reading aloud but my wife said “No more”;
no more because I’d admitted my throat was sore.
She filled a tiny glass and said “Gargle with Echinacea”;
and “Stay out of cold office, ...... though the computer might please ya.”
...

As I lay face-up upon my bed, strange thoughts roared inside my head.
The ceiling light's cover seemed like a pearl, causing my synapses to swiftly swirl.
Was I really in a house, pray tell? Or was I encased in a huge oyster shell?
Was I a man such as you might greet, or was I a great big hunk of oyster meat?
...

Yes, I’m just TOO NICE, but I won’t “blow my own horn”.
It’s something that came naturally to me, ever since ……I was born.
Even BEFORE my birth, “niceness”, to me, did stick.
Why, not ONCE, when I was in the womb, did I, my mommy, kick!
...

There’s a northern creature to avoid,
who will bite you and keep you well-annoyed.
You may never see one in zoo or museum,
and that’s because it’s a “NO-see-‘em”.
...

Today’s News said fans tore a referee to pieces.
I wonder if they tore..... along the ref’s creases.

But it wasn’t just random fanatic-fan strife,
since the ref first killed the fans’ player..... with a knife.
...

Into the toilet I just did glance,
&, 'lo and behold', I saw a dance.
Two doodies danced, till they were dead.
They reminded me of old Ginger and of old Fred.
...

'The Poem'

I PICK MY NOSE WITH A RAPIER. ***
I SMOOTH MY HAIR WITH MY TOOTHBRUSH.
...

You are, indeed, a woman who looms LARGE,
who rides not in a canoe, but on a BARGE!
I should share this rhyme with my itty-bitty wife,
as she bemoans 'fat' people, saying: "Get a life! "
...

I lay ‘pon our lonely bed, only the bed and me,
when s’ddenly I got the ‘rge (I tho’ght) to pee.
So ’p I got and off I went, thro’gh the bathroom door.
I sat down ‘pon the toilet, b’t peed two drops, no more.
...

You may not believe this story, but I assure you it is true.
Each week I volunteer at our library and one of the jobs I do ….
is to use Clorox wipes to sanitize the public computer section.
No germ is safe when I get going; NONE avoid detection.
...

As I sat at a restaurant’s table to dine ALONE,
a curious figure approached me, looking a bit like “skin and bone”.
She was not old; she was not young. She asked “Sir, may I join you? ”
In my long life I’d experienced much, but this, to me, was something NEW!
...

One lonely, dark, and rainy night,
I picked my way out for a bite.
A bite to eat, I mean to say,
‘cause I was single for a many a day …
...

NO lowly frog ‘prince’ am I, my dear,
but a KING! Have I made that clear! ?
AND I’m not so lonely as you may think,
as little female frogs lead me to the brink …
...

Today I give freely of my life-giving blood;
mine’s the best around, though it may look like mud.
Yes, it’s different from blood one usually does see.
It’s packed with little miracles, processed by …….little old ME.
...

Yes, I'm a PoemHunter Poetry-"Pro",
prostituting myself for you Readers, all.
I work my ass off from the word "go",
wishing that my Showcases do not fall....
...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
At least that is what my Ma used to say.
I’ve got no insurance, and I don’t work too hard,
BUT there are lots of apples.... in my Ma’s backyard.
...

My father had an ancestor in France....
who did clean-up after each beheading.
One gal's neck was too tough, and she lived.
Not long after was his and her wedding.
...

my inglish sucks thats for shur
eech day in english class was a blure
nowns an vurbs ….what are they
Id rather sooner go out side an play.
...

Though frog she WAS, she caused headaches....
for old man Clyde …..and here are the 'beCAUSE(s) ':

Clyde pocketed the frog/princess, thought himself sly,
...

My wives have pointed out each flaw I have,
not bothering to ease my hurt with salve.
They've said I'm mean and that I'm a bore.
They've stricken my heartstrings to the core.
...

As I was taking a shower today,
a story came to me,
about how I could become Spider Prey,
and nevermore be free.
...

Today is March 9th. Yes the NINTH! Do you hear?
Here's a record of last comment I've had. Oh dear!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
...

Up at dawn to greet the day!
I'd rise sooner if I had my way.
Eat three eggs, and veggies too.
That's what we're all 'posed to do.
...

I've known button holes and donut holes, but NO HOLES with buried treasure.
I've heard of deep space "black holes" which man may never measure.
There are some holes in human bodies, which I'm too polite to mention.
Holes are sometimes "eaten" in one's stomach, IF that "ONE" has too much tension.
...

For family, friends, and acquaintances, I've a thought to share.
In the future if you think of me, think of me as dead. If you dare.
It's really for your benefit, as soon you'll plainly see.
You'll really like the feel of it...., if you are like me.
...

I was a loyal postal clerk, now 'happily' retired,
and my duty to the Postal Service is now expired.
But the USPS is not soooo bad as some have said.
They may be 'slug'gish, but they aren't (YET) dead!
...

What have I done today....
to make my wife upset?
It wasn't very much,
but troubled she did get.
...

2009 Version:

Who Asked The Zebra 'Plaid or Stripe? '
Though 'Big Game' fashion critic does snipe,
...

In another recent (U.S.) poem I mentioned our fifty stars displayed in our field of blue.
I'm now proposing 4 more stars to be added, which could profoundly affect you, and you, and you, and YOU! !

Recently the people in Puerto Rico (a U.S possession?) voted to become #51.
...