Bri Edwards Humour Poems

For my poems, my friend Valsa George has a hunger.
She’s over fifty, but, compared to me, she is younger.
She suggested I write about ‘the advantages of being old’.
It’s a challenge, but, Valsa, on this idea you have sold......
...

In these days of rapidly-spreading same-sex marriages,
when same-sex partners even push baby carriages,
it can be an advantage for a man to have a name like Sue,
BECAUSE if he loves another guy, and they decide to say 'I do', ……
...

Please don’t confuse me with my cousin “Slug”,
and never, no never dare.....to call me a bug!
I’m a SNAIL, and proud to show off my shell,
and if you don’t like it, you can go to Hell! !
...

'The Poem'

I PICK MY NOSE WITH A RAPIER. ***
I SMOOTH MY HAIR WITH MY TOOTHBRUSH.
...

NO lowly frog ‘prince’ am I, my dear,
but a KING! Have I made that clear! ?
AND I’m not so lonely as you may think,
as little female frogs lead me to the brink …
...

As I sat at a restaurant’s table to dine ALONE,
a curious figure approached me, looking a bit like “skin and bone”.
She was not old; she was not young. She asked “Sir, may I join you? ”
In my long life I’d experienced much, but this, to me, was something NEW!
...

As I was taking a shower today,
a story came to me,
about how I could become Spider Prey,
and nevermore be free.
...

Up at dawn to greet the day!
I'd rise sooner if I had my way.
Eat three eggs, and veggies too.
That's what we're all 'posed to do.
...

If i woke up black, to....
sleep I might go back.
Not because I'm 'white',
but I'd NOT believe my sight.
...

I've known button holes and donut holes, but NO HOLES with buried treasure.
I've heard of deep space "black holes" which man may never measure.
There are some holes in human bodies, which I'm too polite to mention.
Holes are sometimes "eaten" in one's stomach, IF that "ONE" has too much tension.
...

I was a loyal postal clerk, now 'happily' retired,
and my duty to the Postal Service is now expired.
But the USPS is not soooo bad as some have said.
They may be 'slug'gish, but they aren't (YET) dead!
...

[Female's name]! Why do you always let this happen?
Another lover fleeing, sweaty shirt-tails flappin'!

[ His, I mean. ]
...

A strange thing I saw the other day;
I saw my dirty socks get up and walk away.
Yes! They, so dirty and oh so ripe, walked away By Themselves! !
But they were CUTE, as I held my nose, and......
...

Honk! Honk! Hooonk! ! Yes indeed, I just love to blow my horn;
it’s part of Driving Freedom..... the most fun I’ve had since being born.
But some people are such killjoys. Over “rules” their minds do linger.
In response to their “rules”..... and their dirty looks, I raise my middle finger!
...

'Useless' can be a nasty word; it can make one feel just like a turd.
But, if you think about it, that's ABSURD. [It' just a word! ! ] …. 'Useless'
I suppose, at times, it's said in jest, or at a bothered mind's behest.
But you'd better never (it) believe, ‘cause if you do, you may be apt to grieve,
...

Well, my wife may make MINOR mistakes....
.....when cake, or pie, or Samosa she bakes.
But once she set our poor dog, Joe, on fire;
the stove burner was, alas, his funeral pyre!
...

I have a fine friend, Miss Huge.
She is big and sometimes scary.
When she competes in the luge..
she uses the RMS Queen Mary.
...

When, as often happens, my wife suggest I should move.....out,
my superior mental faculties prepare for the needed “don’t-remove” bout.
Since it was ME who campaigned for marriage, .....against HER weak resistance,
it’s up to me to guard against dissolution, without it seeming to be “insistence”.
...

Bri's Third "Wife-no-longer" …[ Marital Fantasy Land; Some Lies; Humour? ; Suggested By Don Kubicki's Poem ‘It Never Fails' ]

MY 3rd wife was a little stupid, and a fine baker,
but in bed, six night out of seven, she was a faker.
...

I was shopping at the grocery store when in walked a hippopotamus.
It was my first time seeing a ‘hippo' there, and management made such a fuss!
They checked first to see if it'd tracked in river mud ….or something WORSE.
AND they watched to see if Miss Hippo would put a watermelon in her purse.
...

If I had a "Pot Belly",
I'd boil my belly in a pot.
Then I'd eat with mint jelly;
I'd eat an awful, awful LOT! !
...

Bloodthirsty are the workers here;
Lots of times they take MORE than a quart!
Of course they replace it all with beer.…, and …
On leaving ……, donors are filled with cheer.
...

Why sure they are like humans; for me there is no doubt, …….
BUT my not-too-big nose is 'far from' ….what pigs call their snout.
And as humans mature we move NOT on four limbs, but, instead, on TWO,
BUT bulls rise up on hind legs RARELY, to do what they ……'have to' DO.
...

When Ruthie and her long-time gentleman lover.....
died and, the Pearly Gates of Heaven, they did discover,
it was old St. Pete who barred their way, then asked:
...

Super Bugs! Watch out for them; they’re on the prowl.
Antibiotic-resistant, they look at humans and grimly growl.
They’ve evolved due to Mankind’s own antibiotic abuse,
through repeated patient and doctor “under” AND “over” use.
...

Our tragic and cursed lives are quite a burden.
Hey, just shut your mouth and let me get a word in!
...

With my fondest thoughts of life, I’ll always link her.
She left me, alone, with my future to tinker.
My Love up and left! ,...... the little stinker!
...

When, last, Bri died …….he was ignored.
Death just yawned......AND looked bored.
Bri called: 'Helllllloo! Yoohoo. I DIED.'
But Death just smiled a bit...and sighed,
...

I SENT SOME FRIENDS "Big Fat Cat Without A Hat ….Gets Hooked".
It's a sequel to "Big Fat Cat Without A Hat", in case you've not looked.
One dear and ‘old' friend, Carmen, replied: "What happened next? "
HERE is ‘what happened next'! I hope it does not make YOU vexed!
...

The sun’s now begun to set in the west.
I sit in chair with my mind (almost) at rest.
I briefly thought “I’ll watch TV”.
Then I shed some tears.
...

If “Caitlyn” Jenner can do it, then so can I.
She’s stopped being “Bruce” …. after sixty years …. of a “lie”.
So now I'LL no longer be, on PH, “Bri”; I’ll be “Mary” …..,
though [unless I shave my arms & legs] I’ll still be “Hairy”.
...

One day the healthy chimp was humping a tree hole,
and the hole's occupant just …….would NOT let go.........
of the chimp's sexually-aroused procreation organ.
[[ In the tree hole lived {unknown to chimp} ……a Gorgon! ]]
...

[ Warning! I was sure that I had submitted this poem, .....now reconstructed
from memory, ....hours ago, but NOW I do not find it on PH except for part
of its title. I've changed the last line, partly due to imperfect memory (mine) .
I am very pleased that it is short, rhyming, and that I'd reviewed its wording....
...

Gosh darn it. I must’ve done somethin’ wrong,
‘cause I’m in the dog house, AGAIN. I hope not for long.
In here it’s rather rank.
COULD be worse; could be..... the fish tank.
...

Someday when you are OLD and FEEBLE, Howard,
think of your age and feel you should have cowered..
when, each year, YOUR 'number' just kept getting BIGGER..
while Death waited at your doorstep, on His face a snigger.
...

Chill out, Savita, all will be ok.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
For now put your feet up and relax,
put on some music (Bill Clinton on sax**?) ,
...

Chill out, Savita, all will be ok.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
For now put your feet up and relax,
put on some music (Bill Clinton on sax**?) ,
...

I dare not pick my nose in public, lest I set a bad example;
I dare not name women I think of, lest on-my-wife's-heart I trample;
I dare not miss brushing my teeth once a day, 'Bless My Soul! ',
lest I tempt 'Old Tooth Decay' to make another hole;
...

I'm the sole executioner for the N.Z. court,
but, despite the rumors, I don't do it for sport.
I've been doin' it well, .....nigh upon 20 years,
during which time I've seen....my share of tears.
...

Down the street she swung her luscious hips,
which caused me, an onlooker, to wet my two lips.
It looked like she was going to drop her drawers,
which would have caused, I'm sure, many roars...
...

It’s the little things that count so much,
while many things are awfully overrated.
Would you rather have a Rolex watch or.....
an enema when you are constipated?
...

Pig went to Bakery to buy pie,
but sign on door read 'NO ENTRY WITHOUT TIE'.
Since no tie the pig had,
he felt pretty darn bad,
...

The sparrows line up for their TAKE-off
on twigs strong enough not to BREAK off.
The time is drawing NEAR....
for event of the YEAR.....,
...

Part One

When Bri was 13 and in grade 8,
he noticed classmates beginning to date.
...

Some would prefer my intended-title......which was: “I Picked My Rose”,
BUT the “R” would not stick! I had to use “N” in place of the “R”......which originally I chose.
...

You can keep your toenails to yourself.
You can keep them on the kitchen shelf.
Put them next to the jar..... of... toe jam,
which I hear is excellent on rare leg of lamb.
...

Why did my nose bleed during the night?
Is something wrong with nose? All’s not right? ?
I now blame it instead.......
on THOSE bugs in my bed......
...

Shocked, back to Bedlam he fled,
after having tasted Valsa's fine fist.
His mouth was sore and how it bled!
NEXT, she might break his damn wrist!
...

Lois Lanes I have. I do! Yes, I do, plenty too! !
I can handle all of them; no need to share with you.
I am the iconic Super Hero of my childhood days;
I've impressed ALL around the world in MANY ways.
...