A SUDDEN TURN (original version)
a fish darts forward
as water lilies re-arrange in the water
centered, in the moment
til it once again flits by
or a bird swoops down as suddenly
from the sky
© 2009 Sonya Florentino
A SUDDEN TURN (Haiku version)
a fish darts forward
water lilies re-arrange
space in the water
moment unbroken
til fish again flits by, or
bird swoops down from high
© 2009 Sonya Florentino
I like the haiku version slightly better, it gives me a little work t do, Doesn't interpret it for me. But both are beautiful poems. the first more imagist, the haiku not only fits the syllable count of the form, but captures the moment with fresh imagery of nature, the season is intimated as summer and for all I know water lilies is a kigo or season word for summer anyway. And most importantly it resonates with deeper meaning. my favorite lines are: 'water lilies re-arrange space in the water'
Your first haiku has my applause, dear Sonya. Warm wishes, Sandra
The haiku version is better. It might be stronger as haiku with a definite antithesis in both stanzas.
Well articulated and nicely brought forth with artistic brilliance. Thanks for sharing and do remain enriched.
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
Sonya, I have to say I prefer your Haiku version. It is more eloquent and leaves the reader more space to 'see' your image. What a stunning image, by the way! And so interesting to watch the gestation of a poem. love, Allie ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥