Why Keep On Living? ....[long; Personal; End-Of-Life Choices] Poem by Bri Edwards

This may not my typical poem be... because
I don't plan to use much rhyming.... you wait and see!


As my wife is away in Japan
and I hold down the fort....
watering plants, doing outdoor chores, paying bills....
I ask myself.....again...why keep living?


It's kind of a depressing question as it implies
that I don't enjoy life enough to want to keep living
or I feel there is a good reason to die.
Neither position is exactly what's in my mind.


It's not that I feel any god-commanded mandate,
or even, exactly, a human mandate to keep living....
though I have been coerced by both my daughter
and my wife to stay alive for now.
(Shannon wants her as-yet-unborn children to 'know' me;
my wife wants to die before I do; I'm not sure why.)

I'm 61 and relatively healthy. My wife encourages good health. I don't WANT to die, exactly, though there are times
when I think death would be 'nice'.
Death could be 'easier' than living.
I sometimes say I feel I use too many resources, etc..
(my wife says I eat too much.)

Call me 'lazy' if you will. …..I sometimes (rarely)
lie in bed on my back, feel exceptionally relaxed,
and think…..
‘if death were like this I would welcome it.'
[And maybe it is.]

Don't get my wrong. I have a good life as lives go.
I feel 'blessed' to be: male, white, a 'good' height
and weight (I think) , modestly attractive, healthy,
raised Christian (though no longer) , heterosexual,
financially secure, Anglo-Saxon, 'middle (lower) class',
relatively intelligent, living in America, and having
(I think) good common sense. I had a safe,
educated upbringing. I have a lovely and loving daughter.
And, most of all, I have a lovely and loving wife.

Not that I feel being 'male, white' etc. makes
me 'better' than other people. I DON'T! Really.
But, given my surroundings, I believe the above
conditions have been advantageous for my life …..
for my comfort, well-being....whatever one calls it.

So why would I even consider ending my life voluntarily?
Good question! !
Well....from time to time since I was in my twenties
I have had moments of mild depression....[nothing to seek medical help for you understand....
Thank God! ....even though I don't believe in God;
I don't really not believe in God either. Growing up
going to church and Sunday school was pleasant
enough usually....especially the candy for kids at X-mas eve church services! ]
The 'mild depression' would come at times when I
had no female partner with whom I could share...share life, share meals, share bedtime, etc..
At other times I've gotten depressed when a relationship
I'm in seems to be crumbling. Oh no!
'I'm not accepted for what I am (an imperfect man...is that redundant?) .;
Where do I go from here? ; I could be lonely again.;
I really want a woman to love me and be loved, albeit 'imperfectly', by me.'

SO, at times depression brought on by 'insufficient' love has
made me doubt the worth of continued living.

Also, within the last 10 to15 years, I have had
environmental doubts about the worth of continuing to live.
There are too many people on earth for the available
resources to sustain them in a comfortable fashion.
OR...the resources are not divided in such a way to
provide a comfortable life for all.




People are living too long! ! (read on)





'Doom and gloom' in the news, casts doubt on the future of mankind.
'Global warming', war, disease, hunger, crime,
bankruptcy, foreclosures, pollution, joblessness, terrorism,
lack of healthcare, unwed mothers (and fathers) ,
adult-children and grandchildren moving
in with parents and grandparents, religious + ethnic strife ….
NEED I say more? Not that these events are ALL new to mankind.

I have led a pretty good and complete life.
Now my main reasons for living are to share life with my wife
and to try to help others in small ways.....
as a financial supporter of 'worthy causes',
as a friend to some people as lucky as I am, and
as a friend to some others who are less-advantaged.

I like to think when my body dies I die completely
except as a memory in some peoples' minds,
and perhaps as part of someone else's body through organ/tissue donation..



I do feel, or like to think that, some people will miss me ….
some might even be saddened for more than a day if I were to die.
But I believe those people would be few and far between.
And I feel they should be able to do fine without me in time.

(and my insurance beneficiaries would prosper)

(9-2-2009)

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