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Thursday, November 27, 2008

One Moment

Rating: 5.0
One moment
Alas! That one moment
I’m still waiting for it to come
My fate is slow and time is on the run

A dog is howling in despair
Someone is dying or
Maybe my death is near
I'm Trying to grab the hope
Dreams thus shattered
Soul is choked by strop

I feel like divested ground
Barren with no sight or sound
No birds, cupids or butterflies
Comes this way
Flower thus burned ashes doth flay
Asif Baloch
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COMMENTS
So deep. Thanks for sharing.
2 0 Reply
Kite Remedy 11 December 2008
That's a great use of figurative speech.. Great painting of how one feels when he is waiting in despair.. Nice..
1 0 Reply
Mamta Agarwal 11 December 2008
lost in despair, waiting for that moment which would change the course of life- you have skillfully built the mood by imagery amd metaphors. emotionally charged poem - universal longing.10 Mamta
0 0 Reply
Rm. Shanmugam Chettiar 09 December 2008
May be my death is near = maybe instead of may be. maybe is a one word. a passionate one
0 0 Reply
Maryam Khan 08 December 2008
Quite emotional but still i love itcoz it feels me nice. BRAVO! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! best wishes maryam
0 0 Reply
Little Hatila ;) 08 December 2008
'A dog is howling in despair Someone is dying or May be my death is near' it is very sad but i like it...extremely well done...10 Hataw
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Jim Valero 07 December 2008
Well-constructed poem: first verse paragraph introduces the speaker's psychological condition at the moment of writing, the second presents the reader with the image of a dog 'howling in despair, ' which does a good job of suggesting the speaker's own despair and fear of psychological-emotional death, something he feels to be quite near to, though not all hope is yet lost, since he is still “trying” (Does the capital “T” in “Trying” indicate the magnitude of the speaker’s efforts?) The Soul “chocked (I suppose the speaker means “choked) by strop” is an inventive one and may suggest the physical despair of the speaker at seeing his dreams “shattered.” The references to sterility and barrenness in the last verse paragraph are good, since they are conveyed in sharp and moving images—“divested ground, ” “Barren with no sight or sound, ” No birds, cupids or butterflies, /Comes [sic] this way” (this is perhaps the best line in the poem—great image) to end in the “Flower thus burned” to ashes. In general, the poem is good, but there are a couple of flaws. One is that there seems to be a contradiction in the idea of fate being “slow” and time being “on the run, ” which suggests exactly the opposite—if time is “on the run, ” the speaker’s “fate” seems imminent, like Marvell’s “But at my back I always hear/Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.” One suggestion, before publishing your poems, revise for spelling and grammar errors. It should be “No birds, cupids, (comma) or butterflies come (plural form) this way. Also, it should read “choked” no “chocked.” The auxiliary “doth” is used with third person singular nouns, but ashes is a plural, so it should be “do” if you want the emphasis.
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Sathyanarayana M V S 06 December 2008
What did u say 'no birds, no cupids come this way' Wahva Yaar! Kya baath hai....terrific.
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Egi David Perdana 30 November 2008
moment for life family, friends and etc this all grace moment
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Seema Chowdhury 29 November 2008
birds and butterflies are there...... you are not looking hard enough.... look for them with an open eyes and open mind they are there ready to smile at you and welcome you in their arms. try it once.
0 0 Reply

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