Nicole D'Settemi

Gold Star - 6,126 Points (June 25th / Niagara Falls)

Distorted Rainbow (Pt.2 Of The True Colors Mini-Series) - Poem by Nicole D'Settemi

Distorted Rainbow
(Pt.2 of the True Colors Mini-Series)

I'm feeling like the shade of grey
Yes, today I'm feeling grey.
Depressed and alone,
I feel frightened, cold.
When I am this shade of grey,
My demons don't seem to fade.
But please, grey—
Just go away
And leave for
At least one day.

Today I'm feeling almost
like the color pink, this time
I'm feeling quite lovely
I'm feeling quite proud
So I laugh and I grin
I laugh right out loud!
Life is fabulous,
Life is good,
Life is going—
Exactly how it should.

Then Grey, you do return
And my soul starts to burn.
Grey, you're back, indeed.
This enormous sorrow—
It seems through you, which I feed
But this is what I do
It's always YOU
Who I cater to!

Before I can accept you, Grey,
And before I can reject you, Grey,
Pink—she does shine through
And Grey;
I no longer have to deal with you.
As I start to feel accomplished
And I start to feel relieved
It's no longer the sorrow, Grey,
Which I use to live through, to feed.

Yet before I sigh a sigh
Of the most content relief,
You do return!
I start to lose belief.
I walk the streets alone.
You are a grey as dark as charcoal
You are a grey as cold as stone
Or perhaps a deep grey sky
Or smoke that's passing by…
Whatever the shade
You are no color!
Please go away
Or, hell—pursue some other!
Go away
And, don't you dare—
Come back TODAY!

What happens next?
I cannot explain it
Grey, you fade,
But my mind? —
Pink—she can't retain it.
Black, you are here!
Yes, you are black!
But Black, you are agonizing,
Torture, in fact.
As I sit here in pain,
Everything of hue—
Black, you seem to drain!
Everything that's lifeless
Fills those sad black eyes
And all I abhor—
Is in the dark, I now realize!

And then, suddenly—
Black disappears
And Grey does not return,
Nor pink,
And now I'm scared!
The next to come along?
And sing a brand-new song? Crimson red—
I no longer feel numb
Nor do I feel dead.
My mind, it is flying
As I shoot through the sky
I feel like I'm doped up
Yes I feel like I'm high
My mind starts to wander
My mind starts to race
My heart would explode
If it beat at a faster pace!
Red: she is remarkable.
Red: it's her, I need
This heightened level
I must conquer
From her I FEED—
And she is so tasty,
She is delicious
Yet just as I start to swallow—
What happens next is vicious!

The taste of Black—
I'm forced to welcome back
Please, just give her back
And, get away—

Red, again.
Oh, my LORD!
I cannot afford—
The fluctuating feelings
And mixed-up moods
Red, she is a vision
But, my sanity she's stealing!
I'm no longer lost, in a frenzied panic
Yet here I am pacing, severely hypo-manic!

And yet—Black, here we go again!
You are my opponent
You are not my friend!
My world turns gloomy
Everything turns cold
When Black you are around
It's you who claims my soul
I hate you
I hate you
I swear I do!
I've gone mad and
Lost without a clue
You are SO GOOD, Black
In doing what it is,
That you do
I cannot escape it!
GOD, I hate you!
You are so DREADFUL
You are so sick
Like a clock from hell
With a relentless tick
You make me feel hollow
Misplaced and depressed
And psychotic
And obsessed.
Everything is silent
I only hear your voice
And when you around
I sob without a choice!

Yet, right before I take
One last, final breath
Red, she returns
As I'm on the brink of death

Every day is so much torture
Every day is getting worse
As I have daily visions
Of my riding in a hearse
But I'm not the driver
And I am not the others
I am the one you cannot see
Buried in blankets and covers
Locked away—
With the lid tightly shut
Because my heart was torn open
My soul—ripped up!
Both into so many pieces
I became a colorful disaster
Until death I reached out for
So much fucking faster!

Pink…you were my friend
Red…you were unrealistically great
Grey…I despised you
Black…we both knew my hate

But it wasn't one
It was all four
Who caused this fight—
The worst kind of blood, and GORE!

So, now I fade
Now, I'm gone
Now, I'm lost
Now, it's done

What a pity,
What a shame.
But which of you
Is really to blame?

© copyright 2003-2017 Distorted Rainbow (Pt. II of the True Colors Mini-Series)Nicole D'Settēmi

Topic(s) of this poem: anxiety, depression, mental illness

Form: Chain Verse

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Maya Angelou

Caged Bird

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Poem Submitted: Sunday, June 3, 2018

Poem Edited: Monday, April 22, 2019

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