Five Scary Things Poem by Samuel Kerby

Five Scary Things

I've heard before that one of the most important things towards moving on is just… being able to say it to someone.
I've been trying for a while.
No better place than a stage.

When I talk about the lockdown, I talk about all kinds of things!
The instruments I tried
Games I played
Poorly written short stories.
And yet there's always something I leave out.

It's the kind of thing that they call ‘unspeakable', yet I'm twisting my tongue against that notion.

And it's…
It's bubbling up from within me!
I want to tell you, I really do,
If I say it, I can move on!
My heart falls into place like an eclipse,
I'm vulnerable, I'm transparent, I'm
Silent and then changing the subject before I know it.

The words
"Yeah… I picked up piano during lockdown"
Come tumbling out of my mouth as paltry substitute.
I don't know what to say,
I just want to move on.

So maybe we can talk about everything around it. How about five scary things about those times?

Number one: I don't remember it that well! It's just flashes.

Number two: I talked to my family that terrible day, inconspicuously told my mom I loved her. That was important.

Number three: My mom admitted to me much later that she was afraid she'd come downstairs one day and be met with the worst. She doesn't know how close she was to living out that nightmare.

Number four: I never started writing the note. I don't remember why. Maybe I thought words would always fall short. It was gonna start with ‘please don't blame yourselves' and ‘you did everything right' and ‘make sure little Harry and Anna and Teresa think I just went away, cuz they can't understand this' and GOD what little consolation is that? !
‘You did everything right? '
That says, you did everything right and yet your son is… of course they'd blame themselves!

Number five?
Oh God number five. Number five is the scariest part. Nobody knew. Actually, that's not really it though, is it? Nobody knows. Not until today, where I speak this poem to another person for the first time, nobody knows that on that day I…

I wanted to die!
I wanted to kill myself!
I spent hours planning a deadly game of with what where and when
And you, you all are the first people to hear it!

And now?
Well I know I'll die someday, but not by these hands. The world can hurt me, choke me, kill me, but this body stands against those pains, and never again against itself.
I will not be found dead.
I will not fracture my family.
I will live and breathe and speak my unspeakable truth to you all.
I've finally said it..
I'm free.

My first Slam Poem at the 19th annual Mackinac Poetry Slam. This one left me shaking as I left the stage.
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