The Insurance Man - Poem by Eric Preston
Andrew Porter, insurance exec
Walked up to the door of the shack
He was here to deny an insurance claim
And he feared there'd be plenty of flack
Dressed to the nines in his pinstriped suit,
With his Briefcase, and black wingtip shoes
His professional, confident manner that said
'I'm in control of this talk with you! '
The door opened up, and there stood Bubba
His hand reached out; he said 'Hey'
His wife, named Bertha said 'Come on in!
It sure is a beautiful day...'
'But wait Mister Porter, 'cause we have rules
and our guests gotta follow 'em too
Now you can't come in to our home as long
as you're wearin' them socks and shoes...'
'My shoes? ' said Porter, embarrased, surprised
'But my dignity? What about that? '
'Leave it outside with those fancy shoes
AND socks, then we'll have our chat! '
Porter shook his head, and argued
and said 'But this is absurd! '
'Sorry - bare feet are all we allow.
Now don't say another word! '
He took off his Ferragamos
Polished, expensive and new
And then his brand new Brooks Brothers socks
Embarrassed, he took them off, too
'Now come on in, Mister Porter, sir! !
Make yourself comfortable!
Now set right down on our sofa here
Prop yer feet on the table! '
'Oh, no - I couldn't do that! ' said the
upper class businessman
'Put my bare feet on your formica table? '
But Bubba said 'YES! You can! '
'And here is your beer, and NASCAR is on
My feet sure itch! Mister Suit
Those nice gold cufflinks sure would help...
To scract the itch on my foot! '
'NO! ' snapped Porter, with total disgust
But Bertha grabbed both his sleeves
She pulled off his monogrammed cufflinks
'It's time for me to LEAVE! '
Mister Porter was angry, bewildered
'Where are the keys to my CAR!
I put them down on the table here, but
I don't know where they are? ! '
Bubba grinned. 'You mean yer Lexus?
You CAIN'T leave until we are through!
Now approve our claim, Mister Porter, sir!
We got some business to do! ! '
'And we have rules you gotta follow
Overalls are all you can wear
So lose that high and mighty suit
Yer much too well-dressed! It ain't fair! '
Porter knew he was beaten
He took off the suit, tie and shirt
Replaced them with overalls - overalls!
Wrinkled and covered with dirt
'But I won't say yes to your claim! Oh no! ! !
You can take my clothes and my car!
You have never met Andrew Porter before!
Insurance Man Superstar! '
'That's fine' said Bubba 'We'll see in time
We'll just have to wait for a YES...'
And sure enough, day after day after day
They put Porter to their test
While sleeping they gathered up suit and shoes
Silk socks, wallet, phone, tie and keys
They hid them away and left him with nothing
To do all day but laugh and shoot the breeze
The days went by but something strange
Happened to Porter's mind
They wouldn't allow him to shave
He found that he had to unwind
He learned to spit and how to chew
And how to roll his own
He started drinking neat whiskey
And live without a cell phone
He was forced to walk around barefoot
No office, no power, no stress
No Pinstripes, no Lexus, no cufflinks,
He had no choice but to rest!
And the man named Andrew Porter
Controlled, successful and tough
Had to face that there wasn't much there
Underneath all the fancy stuff
When the police finally caught up and found him
He told them 'I just won't return!
You see overalls really do suit me
I guess I had lots to learn! '
'I won't put the blame on Bubba or Bertha
It's all my own choice, believe me!
I'm now gonna quit my high-payin' job
and turn in my Lexus keys! '
'I've been livin' without my white collar
My condo, my job, my degree
It's time for me to start over
As a truck drivin' man, yesiree! '
'But before I start life as a Bubba
I have to, or I cannot rest
Your insurance claim? Your insurance claim?
You know I'm gonna say yes! '
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